Starting School

Why can’t I find the words to express how I feel about him starting school in 3 days? Why can’t I find the words?

Why, last night as I lay on the lounge half-watching tele with Dave did the tears arrive and I excused myself. “I’m going to jump into his bed and cuddle him” he just looked at me, knowingly.

These last few weeks Monte and I have yelled at each other a lot. Our relationship has struggled, and evolved, and struggled. A lot of it has been due to my own issues, I have seen my own anxiety, fear and anger reflected back at me, from my little boy – and it pushed my buttons. I have discovered just how much our children are reflectors that show us when we are on the right track. They  are the greatest motivators for self-improvement.

The last five years has been his preparation ground for ‘the world out there’. We have tried to give him a grounding of security and unconditional love. Like all parents, we have succeeded and failed. We are humans  after all.

I know that Monte is smart, social, polite, at times shy, creative, boisterous, head-strong, sometimes angry.

Since the day he was born he has consumed my heart, and my mind.

In him I see the best and worst of me. He is my spiritual teacher, my entertainer, my button-pusher, my eyeball-licking kisser (I hate that!) my king of the cheeky comeback, my rebel without a cause. He makes his bed before he is up, makes his own toast and lathers it with too much butter.

We fought about that today.

“Mum, for the sake of all things, how can we fight about butter?! It’s ridiculous really”

He is as profound as he is frustrating. He is smart, has a great vocab “Pop, why did some teenagers randomly walk past your window?”

As a family we have faced challenging times of late. We have had lolly-pops and dancing in the sprinklers alongside stressful times featuring probably too much yelling and frazzle.

YesterdayMonte made an Egyptian themed card for Cowboy, he wrote all our names inside. He asked me to write the following words inside :

“It will take a family effort to destroy the monsters, the forever-knights, we must defeat them before we die!”

Sharni, Tansy, Monte, Dad

“Prophetic?” Dave had asked me.

My hopes for him as he begins school is that he falls in love with learning.

I hope he makes some really great pals that he can laugh with and grow with.

I hope he finds a subject  for which time stands still while he is engaged with it.

I hope he is respectful to his teachers and his friends and is well-liked.

I hope he’ll eat something other than a ham sandwich for lunch? Perhaps try a tomato?

I hope he has a patient teacher who can help him with self-discipline and patience in a way I feel I have not been so good with.

I hope that he will be confident, know he is loved, and safe to be himself in  new territory.

I hope he will maintain his sense of humour, curiosity, and that his imagination strengthens.

I hope he remains true to himself no matter what kind of tests or measures are thrown at him.

I hope…… he will enjoy and look forward to going to school most days. I hope he knows what he means to me.

If not flick through this blog my boy. Now go forth, be yourself and I wish you nothing but the best. xxxx

 

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Inspiration of the Random Kind

I am feeling a lot stuck at the moment, completely out of touch with my own feelings. Annoyed with myself because I’m not writing, creating, transforming, damnit! Drowning in a sea of overwhelm. A lot going on in head, not a lot of sleep. I  feel the need to punch out a post and get to the bottom of it but that is overwhelming too! So, , instead I’ll share with you some interesting things I’ve found around the net that have inspired in some way. Hope you like them. Please say Hi!

Ten Signs You’ve Found Your Calling - this post reminds me that writing and creating are my calling as I can relate but it has fallen by the wayside. How about you, have you found yours?

This resonated a lot:

by rocketrictic on Flickr

 

This time of year, in particular, I feel immense pressure to lose weight, drink green things, quit sugar and lose that unsightly belly fat! Alas,

Cowboy is handy with a pallet. He has built a reclining chair and a toybox of late! This is what I have requested for my birthday (coming up, please send presents to my PO Box)

but with  furnishings like this to boot:

On another tangent altogether here is something I plan to do. How to make your own non-toxic cleaning kit 

Could you make me these?

Don’t these look yummy? Fresh Corn Cakes with Avo & Goats Cheese Salsa…. 

I could share a lot more with you, but that will do for now. Hope you found some inspiration. I’m an avid pinner — you can follow me on Pinterest here - are you on there too?

As for me, i’ll post when I can

 

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The Year of The Rat

2013 has been one of the most challenging years of my life. I can’t pinpoint what made it so, but am going to attempt a wrap-up here of the challenges I’ve faced this year and how I’m going to learn from them.

Having two little children is like running a marathon every day. 

It really, truly is. This year – I haven’t looked after my health very well – I have been ‘getting through’ from sun up to sun down (sound familar?)

At the start of the year, I, like so many of us do, fell for the “12 week weight-loss challenge” hoo-ha, and put additional pressure on myself to take off as much weight as possible in 12 weeks. I was pumping out boot-camps at the crack of dawn , while still breastfeeding and coming home vomiting.

During the challenge I dropped about 7kgs – and throughout the whole process was overcome with guilt about what I ate, what I didn’t eat, how much exercise I didn’t do, how much weight I should be losing …. in short, it made me feel like shit!

Needless to say, I showed them and didn’t return to the gym! Ha!  And I haven’t been game to set on a scale but I think some of those 7kgs missed me and came back to Mama. Nawwwww!

Lesson: Don’t fall for “Do X Quick Schemes” while they can work for some, mostly it is a get rich quick scheme for the business. Life changes don’t happen in 12 week time slots!

I went from 12 weeks of slogging it to the rest of the year eating cupcakes for lunch , having no energy, looking like I’m 103 and when bedtime finally arrives…………….. jumping on pinterest til midnight. Rinse and repeat. Insert bouts of cranky Mama flying off the handle than suffering continual mother guilt because HANG ON I want to parent consciously, gently, not like a nutcase.

“Mum, I love you even though you are crackers” is a true and non-made-up quote from Monte.

So, in short — I have made the year more challenging than a 12 week challenge. It has been a year long challenge and if I’m honest – I feel like crap because all my energy has gone into the kids. All my emotional energy and physical energy – and while I love being their Mum, you don’t make friends with cupcakes. Oh hang on, yes I do. But, to survive the marathon that is raising two spritely ones I need to make friends with salad.

I don’t give a shit about looking hot in a bikini you bastards, I just want some energy and  I want to be a better role model. When Monte asks for lollies constantly the word FAILURE flashes like the red-man when you shouldn’t be walking across the road.

I have to make time to eat properly and not run on sugar and caffeine.I’m pretty sure mine is an age-old story. Let me know if you are out there and this is resonating.

This year has been tough with illness in the family – we’ve had some really tough times and sad news and with matters like these, you are always re-evaluating what actually matters. Love, family, people, connection is truly all that does.

This year has been tough in a lot of ways , but in equal measure, it has been beautiful, and I’m sure there has been a lot of character growth that I don’t realise yet. When you are a rat on a wheel it’s hard to stop and reflect on what is actually going on. I hate being a rat on a wheel. No More.

Too much reacting, not enough creating.

Next year is going to be the year of “Making My Health A Priority and Creating, Creating, Creating”

How does that grab you? How has your year been? Challenging? Awesome? Any lessons you care to share?

ps – I have post traumatic stress syndrome from literally finding a drowned rat in the laundry sink this year. This was my burned to my brain symbol of this year. EWWWWWW and as Monte hollered “Mum, it has big whiskers like a Walrus!” Kill me now.

pps – I reckon yucky, hard years generally proceed a better one. Can anyone back this up?

 

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Dream Catchin’

Monte turned five yesterday. He had a party over a month ago, I was tempted to let the day slip by without so much of a comment due to the pending Christmas, but the nostalgia in me didn’t allow this.

For his birthday we gave him a dream catcher and some crystals. Yes, I cracked out the Swami in a big way. Monte has always been uncomfortable going to sleep on his own (or maybe it has been me uncomfortable in leaving him?) either way – I have been into the idea of Dream Catchers since I don’t know when , and is if spurring me on there is a hook that hangs above his bed that seemed to be for that very purpose.

I went to the local hippy shop and bought him one that spoke to me, and coupled it with some crystals that came recommended by the local mystic and popped them into a very boho Native American pouch.

I’m not sure why, but my Inner Swami felt very passionate about giving this gift. (perhaps because I’m pretty tired and it presented some hope?!) Yes, brackets, that was part of it – but also, I just felt like it was a good gift that would speak to him right now.

He has been having recurring dreams featuring goblins and monsters, and has an anxiety around death. He wakes often in the night (as does his sister) and I felt that with some sort of dream catcher and crystals he might feel a sense of security.

I googled dreamcatching and decided we’d have a little ceremony where we stated what the intention of it was.

I gathered everyone up and spoke about how I wanted the dream catcher to keep good energy in Monte’s room and allow him to have great dreams and to feel safe. He spoke up about how he wanted it to keep monsters away.

In the next breath he told Swami Mum that the present was boring and where were his toys?

Ha!

I think he really does love it , and he did sleep with them under his pillow and said he’s going to take a crystal to his first week of school and keep it in his pocket.

I really do hope that he will believe in it – that the goblins and monsters will disappear.

If not, we shall try howling at the moon :-)

 

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Ten Things I Love About Her

Oh Tansy, Tansy, Tansy. You are just so…. pleasant, so very very likeable.

I have to record here ten things you do that make me smile from mouth to heart, daily.

1) Spinning. Today, in your little elephant dress from Vietnam, you decided to spin, around and around, until you stacked it, then cracked up. It looked like fun so I joined in. Loved spinning with you.

2) Whenever Dad, or I enter the room you wave profusely and say ‘Hi Dad!” or “Hi Mum” it’s the best feeling in the world to see you greet us like that, may it always be like this!

3) I love that you say “Bye Dogs” whenever we go anywhere

4) I love that you love dogs. You are obsessed with them, although when you saw a kitten the other day I thought you were going to have 14 heart palpitations. You couldn’t contain your excitement!

5) You’ve nailed the body parts and today you became fond of pointing out “Elbows”

6) “High Five” is something you actively seek out. You love to high five Llama Llama Red Pyjama too. And all of your toys.

7) You love Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I particularly love that when you want it sung you ask for “How-I” (from the How I wonder what you are”) you have made How-I into a word, and I’m down with that.

8) Yesterday we went to a friends place and you walked around in your onesie with my bangles up your arms. Three on one arm, and my golden cuff on your other. It made me laugh. And feel connected and honored to share the bangles with you!

9) I won a heap of stuff from Moo Said The Cow and I’m loving your joy at the independence the little table and chairs bring you. You sit there and you feel so in charge. Love that you open the fridge and let me know what you want to eat too. Although usually you’ll just pluck a tomato out and gnaw on it.

10) In the car you catch my eye in the rear view mirror when there’s a good song on and we bob up and down to it. I just love your company and love how our relationship continues to evolve.

I had to write these down. Golden, happy times my lovely.

 

 

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