06 Jun

Letter to Tansy

By Sharni

 

Dearest Tansy,

cc- the Internet

In about a month you will crack your first birthday so I thought I might pen (how old fashioned, I am also listening to the wireless- ask Noonie what I’m on about)  a little letter to you to say how awesome it has been getting to know you.

You are a chilled out flower child, there is no doubt about it. You are so quiet, and so at peace. You are finding your cheeky side now and you don’t mind a giggle or a squeal of joy. Usually, you will crack up at Monte doing something that your Dad or I think is terrible or naughty or annoying – you however obviously see things through child coloured lenses and you think he is the pants of an ant.

“Mum! I just made her laugh like a real human!” Monte has been heard exclaiming.

You are really down with the bird Mobile in your room now, and that makes my heart do a little back-flip because I nested (pardon like the pun) like a woman high on Etsy while pregnant. When you are tired you crawl up a little whimpery and climb onto me and snuggle in. I ask if it is the boob-er you are after and you give me a grin. I just love the breastfeeding bond we share, just as I did with Monte.

Your hair! Holy Guacas! You have heaps of hair and it is ….. curly! Ha! And the colour is changing it is erring on the side of blonde at the moment – I am obsessed that it has ringlets. Certainly not from me. My hair is so flat the straightening irons are jealous of it.

You pump out a few random words, Mum about 5923333 times a day – Bow and woof woof woof and I believe you are trying to say Monte but you haven’t nailed it yet.

You know how to hold the phone and sometimes make calls to Poland when I’m not looking.

You like food. Avocado is a special, and you love the porridge I make for you each morning – that always makes me feel like Mother of the Year.

You love coming to the library with me and Mont. It is the adventure of your lifetime. When it is filled with other kids you are lovin’ it baby.  When I turn my back you are up to no good. Sometimes taking off outside or eating a crayon or trying to take out the bottom shelf of the Western and Biography section.

I took you to Baby Bounce last week where we rocked out a couple of renditions of Hi, Hello and How are You, How are you Today.

What else can I tell you? I’ve started to get a little more creative with your outfits though I have resisted it. The marketing for baby girls is so damn strong!! I want you to know you are not your looks, beautiful as you are, you are, well whoever you are – and I’m loving getting to know YOU for you. disclaimer:  I do like to put you in funky tights  - but that is more about me.  As soon as you can communicate with me – you can express yourself however you choose :-) If you want to wear a bow bigger than your head I won’t stand in your way!

You are an absolute joy. I’m smitten, proud, full of adoration. I fill the newsfeed of facebook and instagram with photos of you. People must look and think “My God! She is obsessed!” Well, I guess I am. I make no apology. I’m obsessed with both my kids. Because. Well, I love ‘em. You are my spiritual leaders!!

I actually think that adults have it completely wrong thinking they are ‘teaching’ their children. You are my teacher, just as Monte is and I have a long way to go. You have mindfulness, being in the moment down pat. I’m taking what I can in.

And while I’m at it, did I mention I love you so much it hurts?

Happy 11 months girlfriend!

Mum xx

ps – you took three steps yesterday.

 

1 Comment
13 May

Are You A Frazzle Head or A Zen-Master?

By Sharni

You’ve gotta listen to the voice within don’t you?

Somewhere from deep within someone, (is that you, Higher Self?) is screeching at me:

“Slow Down M’am” (which is really odd.) (The M’am bit I mean)

“Get rid of everything!”

“Too many choices!”

“Too much stuff”

“Too much information”

“Too connected”

(HS is really into the word Too, it turns out)

I want to simplify my life, in order to stop raising my children in a stressed out manner but …. it feels complicated.

Complicated to simplify. Oh good God – there is a conundrum!

I have an idea on what needs doing and it scares me. I need to lead the way, and part of me thinks I have to completely disconnect from social media (makes me too busy, anxious, informed, up-to-date, frazzled) while trying to do everything else – it also distracts me from my life as a Mum and a houselady — and I”m scared if I quit. Well, good god – would I survive? Love them, but would I?

Are you a frazzle head? Or do you lead a simple, calm existence?

 

+ add a comment
24 Apr

A Post That Was Initially About Patience But Then Became About Focus (see my trouble?)

By Sharni

(absolutely unedited. First draft, spill, too busy to fix up! Hey, be lucky to get anything I have wine to drink right now)

 

“Mum STOP TALKING YOU ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE and making me melt”

Words I never thought I’d hear.

I remember when Monte was about two, I boasted to somebody how parenting had given me the ability to be patient. It was an ex-colleague who had a couple of boys older than Monte. “Oh you wait” he said “That will change”

I remember thinking. “No it won’t”

It has.

I hate that it has.

Being a stay at home parent is bloody exhausting and it also, I think gives you too much time to dwell and feel ‘unfocused’ , if that makes sense?

“Working/Working” you have a purpose , things to attend to in a day. I mean, in advertising sales I would have to make x amount of sales in a week – I knew where I was going.

With this gig, I have to, keep my kids healthy, meet their needs, meet the needs of the house and well……. there is a lot of time to think.

This, when you have a mind like mine can be highly full-on unless you can get some kind of mind-taming happening.

How in the heck do you tame the Wild Beast?

Today I just unloaded all the ‘to-do’ ‘projects’ ‘I cannot be happy until’ bollocks list that was in my head. It went for three pages and included such things as “Frame a picture”, “Write a book” “Clean the Fridge” and “Watch parenting tele-sessions I signed up for” on it went.

As a Mum there are only so many moments you get to yourself, and usually, when I get them – who am I kidding, I am updating my status, trawling the newsfeed or trying out a new instagram filter.

The book writing has been my life’s pipedream – the fridge won’t happen overnight kinda thang and — the tele-sessions will probably be filed for eternity in my good intentions cabinet right next door to the massive guilt cabinet.

In a roundabout kinda way I’m trying to say that focus is what I seek. Decluttering of my head’s to-do list. This, might give me a little less frazzle, and therefore….(to my point) maybe a little more patience with my kids.

I read something the other day that you can’t bring peace to your kids, unless you have it within yourself.

Jeez. Kids if you are reading this, I love you.I’m doing my best, yeah?

Sorry for taking your photo every blinking moment of your lives. Right. Off to seek focus.

Again :-)

 

Here are some piccies:

Monte's recent drawing of a Danger Dog with a zillion eyes doing a poo

 

Monte and Tansy having crawling races at Yenda Park

 

Her cheekiness is becoming clearer by the day

1 Comment
02 Apr

honestly, do something else, I am just babbling on with god knows what!

By Sharni

 

God, I haven’t blogged for so long. Once, when I used to blog regularly, I found it really was the best therapy in town (believe me, I have tried a few!) I was able to write about parenting challenges and what-not, and I’d find clarity and I’d have awareness while doing it ir at least afterwards. It was as though I could make peace with whatever challenge I was dealing with and then move onto the next. Better than zoloft!

Since having TWO kids, I suddenly feel as though I have 100! I am busier and have less alert time for reflection on the challenges. Which is shit because I need to reflect cos I am getting confused.

WHAT ON EARTH AM I TALKING ABOUT? SeeI don’t know, which is precisely why I need to blog more often! I’ve lost touch with that awareness I used to have and I am just flying about reacting to things and then feeling bad about the way I reacted, and then falling asleep and feeling like a failure and running on that wheel like a crazy little rat.

Silly.

If you are still here, I would like to reward you with this piece of beauty:

I don’t know what I am going on about. But need to offload some stress. So I shall dump it on my blog. Ha! Are you actually reading this? Well, aren’t you sweet!

I am becoming someone that can’t relax when the house is not perfect. Yet, the house is never anywhere near perfect, hence I am never relaxed. I am becoming someone that wants things to be organised, kids to be happy, me to be fit, relationship to be charming and friends popping over for soirees and to admire my interior design skills.

I think, somehow in the midst of my social media addiction and my current 12 week weightloss challenge I’m involved in (prob haven’t told you about this yet) I have felt less than because I’m trying to keep up with the perceived Jones’. Which of course are illusions.

In fact, writing this babble has finally made something clear in my confused, overthinking, quite exhausted actually mind:

I have been stressed because I have felt like I need to keep up with the Jones’ but I don’t want to keep up with the Jones’!! – I just want to, as Cowboy so beautifully put it to me last night, raise little hippy kids on a farm!

I don’t want to be chasing illusions of perfection, or what society or advertising suggests we should chase, mercilessly. I am kind’ve aware that I am doing that right now – and the wheel keeps spinning and I can’t get OFF.

I just want the hippy kids on a farm. I’d prefer it didn’t even have a telly or social media. Truly. But for now I’m caught up in a lot of hype. And one day soon, hopefully I’ll hear myself think. And if I’m still blogging and anyone reads it, then you’ll be hearing myself think too. Lucky you eh?

If you got this far, which I hope you didn’t. I will reward you with this:

5 Comments
14 Mar

When Your Child Asks About Death

By Sharni

For months now, somehow, Monte has been asking a lot of questions about death. We haven’t (touch wood, touch wood) had a death in the family, or of a pet or anything close to us that has prompted the questions. It has been tricky to navigate.

I am of the opinion that there is no need to sugar-coat this fact of… life, but still, it is fraught with difficulty.

I lay with him the other night waiting for him to drift off and he asks “Mum, am I going to die?”

I muster up ultra casual tones “Oh yeah, you’ll die – everyone does” I reply. “No big deal, it is just what happens, animals, plants, people – we all die”

“But I don’t want to die!” he says, fretting.

“Will you make me come alive again Mum, will you?”

I shudder.

“No sweetie, once you die I can’t make you come alive again”

“But I don’t want to die – Mum, don’t let me die!”

Time to change topic? What do I do?!

Then.

“I’ll only die when I’m really, really old – won’t I Mum?”

“I don’t know” I reply “Most people die when they are old , but not all”

I conjur up my best explanation of my truth concerning life and death.

“When we die, it is just our body that dies – the person you can see is no longer here, but love never ever dies.”

“So only my bones will die? Nothing else, not my eyes”

“No, all our body goes – but in our bodies is our soul – who we are — and that is full of love – and no matter what you do – love will not die.”

I talk to him about my Great Aunty Rose and my Pop and how they died. I tell him I think of them from time to time and on some occasions get the feeling they are around. Pop has helped me through many anxious times, keeping me calm in panicked situations. I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him in my mind and in my heart.

I explain to him that sometimes we can be visited in our dreams by people after they die. Just because we can’t see them anymore – doesn’t mean they aren’t all around us, watching over us; loving us.

Sometimes they appear to us in other forms – like the butterfly that always seems to be at our front step whenever we are together.

It is a fact of life, but certainly a hairy topic to navigate with your child. A child you’d do anything to protect.

No-one wants to hear their beautiful child pleading with them “Mum , you’ll make me stay alive won’t you? Won’t you!”

 

How about you, have you ever had a discussion about death with your child / a child? How did you handle it?

ps – isn’t that photo of Monte the most beautiful?

+ add a comment