10 Perplexing things about Motherhood

"Dear Mum, tomorrow everything is on the house for you! Love Monte"

1. You end up  licking your finger / hankie (well lets hope you don’t have a hankie)  to wipe something from babies face even though you SWORE you would never be ‘one of those’.

2. While pregnant you declared you would NEVER jibber in a baby voice to your offspring.

Before you know it strange words and an annoying baby voice develops and sometimes it slips out in public and you don’t even feel as embarrassed as you probably should.

3. Even though you may have spent prior years partying and staying up all night, you still managed to stay radiant and youthful, suddenly after one year of motherhood you have aged  1000 years.

4. You can read all the books in the world and get all the advice from your friends but at the end of the day you develop a bizarre system that works for your family. (driving around town listening to Conversation Hour on the radio while child goes to sleep then transfer from car – cot – seamlessly, do not judge me it works for both of us)

5. Inevitably, you will know all the words to 5 Steps to Bedtime (hoot, hoot) but strangely can’t break it down to 5 steps in your own house. (Sorry , internationals – inside Aussie joke, word up to Jimmy Giggle – hope you are paid well)

6. You become terribly fussy about your child’s nutrition, while attending to your own by wolfing down a packet of Salt n Vinegar chips with a Battered Sav chaser (exaggeration, sort of)

7. You go to cafes regularly thinking you will distract child in play pen and relax.

You seem to forget every time this NEVER actually happens.

Child inevitably escapes playpen and runs into the cafe’s kitchen and demands jellybeans because the lovely cafe owner once gave them one.

8. You can give a child a massive playground filled with open space, sticks and butterflies but they will inevitably turn and run out towards the road or the puddle with a layer of mould in it.

9. You can give your child the nicest meal in the world, but they will always want what you are having instead. (I advise battered savs in private)

10. Even though you are a Mother, the fact that Mother’s Day now applies to you makes you feel old and weird as though you should order something from AVON.

Happy Mothers Day!