Losing the Drama

By Alice Grist

Choosing your existence is something that all of us have the power to do.

Whilst in some respects we have no control over this roller coaster life, in others we absolutely do. One of the hottest and most relevant things I have learned since my trip down spirituality lane is that how we choose to react to any given situation essentially helps plot the course of our day, the response from others and the way we feel about ourselves.
Finding my spiritual sanity and indeed discovering who I am has meant accepting that my reactions and my need to be in control are often at the root of my problems.

This is valuable news for people irrespective of their path in life. Our reactions and control are not who we are. We are not the sum components of our dramas.

If we can dig beneath the surface thoughts of, ‘arggghhh, what about me, you can’t, you shouldn’t, you are wrong, and OH MY GOOOOODDDDD!!!!’ then we are onto a winner.

We all know we have little control over other people, yet we often spend a great amount of time attempting to help them, change their minds or subtly manipulate them into seeing things from our points of view.

When other people upset us or make us angry we throw ourselves full on into our emotional reaction.

Whether we realize this or not our reaction is aimed at getting them to be nicer or fairer, or more generous towards us and our wounded souls.

Let’s be honest, even during an argument where we are imperiously frustrated by the other side, all we really, really want is for that person to agree with us, to see things how we see them.

We feel anger toward them, because they are not accepting us. We suffer therefore under a personal rejection.

And again…let’s be more honest, our tears and temper tantrums at partners, family and close friends are all falling straight out of our wish for them to be wholeheartedly supportive and understanding of us and our multifaceted needs.

Reaction and control are all aimed at getting other people to sit up and listen, to take notice and above all to care.

There is something inherently wrong here.

In throwing ourselves ‘willy nilly’ on the hoped kindness of others, we are sacrificing our own ability to soothe ourselves.

We desire a savior, and it is more than likely that we will not find one. We relinquish our hearts to the whims of others and things get blown out of proportion. In the battle that follows everybody loses.

My spiritual path has shown me that neither reaction or control or necessary.

In fact, when we place our emotions and feelings in our own hands we have a far better chance of soothing our aching souls than any third party ever will.

When we react in any small or large way, we end up making our pain worse.

If we choose to sit in our pain for a moment and choose not to react we find that the answer to our feelings lies in the non-reaction entirely.

Quite often our instant reaction is totally resolved by a moment’s peace and careful thought.

How many times have you instantly reacted only later to regret it? More often than not your instant reaction is an overreaction. That way tears lie…

Reaction and attempts at control only ever make things worse.

They feed your egos need to be the centre of the universe and generally you end up feeling weaker and sometimes quite silly for having indulged in your spur of the moment thoughts.
Reaction comes from a place of ego.

Ego if unconstrained can taint your life dramatically. It closes your senses and your mind down to other people, to their needs and emotions, and to the ebbs and flows of your true nature.

Indeed ego shuts down the ability to connect with anything at all very deeply as it ensures that you are too busy satisfying your wants, need and desire to give a damn about anything or anyone else.

Choosing not to react and not to try to coerce people is a powerful thing to do. It helps you tune into your deeper intuition, and if you are spiritual I feel it takes you closer to your higher self and advice from your divine.

Rather than choosing to react I’d recommend that you chill a little first. Bite your tongue, take a deep breath, walk away. Assess just how important the matter at hand is to you.

If after some contemplation it still matters, then raise it in a measured way, rather blasting out your immediate ‘oh my god… you are doing what!!!’ at high pitch to your bemused partner or astounded best friend!

As a spiritual person who is constantly learning I am still trying to perfect this craft of non-reaction.

It often jumps out at me unexpectedly and before I have time to think ‘non-reaction’ I already have.

As soon as I have reacted I tend to feel a little piece of me die.
When you choose non reaction you cut out all the drama and delusion that clogs up your mind.

You give yourself time to get to know your inner self and figure out what it is that she really thinks.

You might find that what you really think, having given yourself time and space to figure it out, is very,very different to what your bruised ego thought when she screamed and hollered at the kids, the husband or the errant employee.
Tips for practicing non-reaction:
Watch yourself - Be aware for one day of everything you do and say before it happens.

If you feel a knee jerk reaction coming on, no matter how strong you think you feel about it, walk away, bite your tongue. Chill the heck out. Give yourself time and space before responding.
For a week keep a diary of times when you have reacted, and times when you have not. In particular record how you felt after the times you reacted, did it help, or did it further harm the situation?

When you did not react were things resolved faster, better, more happily?

I undertook to do this in my book, The High Heeled Guide to Enlightenment. The results shocked me. When I reacted things went from bad to worse.

When I chose not to react life flowed easily, drama was avoided and I found a still point within me that made me happy, irrespective of what was going on outside my body!

Meditate often. Meditation helps you to centre yourself. We rarely spend any time with just our own minds in this busy day and age. Meditation helps us to understand our thoughts and feelings on a wide variety of situations.

When you know how you truly feel about things from your deepest, most loving perspective, then you are less likely to jump down someone’s throat and throttle them!

Practice unconditional love. This may sound difficult, but it’s a biggie. Buddha was hot on this one, and trust me it works.

If you look at all people through the eyes of love, compassion and caring, then it is much harder for them to hurt you. Therefore your reaction automatically comes from a place of love and compassion rather than panic and self defense.

Perhaps pick one person in your life, someone who normally gets your blood pumping and practice unconditional love on them!

They don’t need to know that’s what you are doing, but just offer them kindness, respect, patience and tolerance. Watch and see how your action towards them transforms their reaction towards you.

If they don’t mellow, keep it up, I promise you that you will see a big difference in them, and in your own self understanding.

Alice Grist
Author of The High Heeled Guide to Enlightenment (O-Books)
www.alicegrist.co.uk
http://highheeledenlightenment.ning.com