The Day Wisdom Flooded In

Today I was attempting to use twitter for chatting and not just shameless promotion of my blog. And, delighted in doing so because I had a great, in 140 characters or less, conversation with Fiona who writes a very honest and interesting blog, WrongSide.

She was telling me how she meditated with some Buddhists on the weekend and it was all about ‘slowing down’ and then she said the next day she was struck down and sick. She thought it was not a coincidence.

In fact, her telling me this snippet immediately thrusted me into my time machine and took me back about 6 years ago……. jump in and join me…….

I was living in Bondi with partner of that time and I was doing a bit of soul-searching. Trying to find something for me. So me and my Aunt (yes she stars in lots of my posts!) decided we’d start doing Buddhist meditations in Bondi Beach of a Saturday morning.

For just an hour or so we’d head on town to the Pavillion and sit in on a session led by a Buddhist Monk, and do guided meditations.

We enjoyed it and one weekend signed up for a Buddhist Day to be held somewhere in Potts Point.

I remember the day vividly.

Lyn and I rocked up to this beautiful monastery where we mingled with other like minded souls.

There were some talks on Buddhism and then some serious singing and chanting, which, truth be known, freaked me out a little.

It gave us a case of the uncomfortable ‘I shouldn’t be laughing so that is going to make me laugh more’ giggles.

The guest speaker was talking about Manjushri, the embodiment of all Buddha’s wisdom.

As a special treat there was a monk who after intense preparation ‘blessed’ everyone with the wisdom of Manjushri.

After lots of chanting we all lined up and one by one the Monk put his hands on our heads and said a few words.

I remember walking back from my blessing with a definite tingle down my spine, and yes, I was a little bit freaked out.

At the end of a full-on day meditating, chanting and being blessed Lyn and debriefed in a lovely park in Rushcutters Bay. We recapped on what we got out of the day and talked all things Manjushri.

THE NEXT DAY while I was at work, out of no-where, I had my first panic attack.

I went to the bathroom,  and then when I was ‘done’ walked back to my desk and immediately felt I had to go again.

I went back.

This continued, to the point I was afraid to go back to my desk.

Insane, right?

I freaked.

I walked out of work, with my bag and my phone, flagged a taxi and went home. As you do.

I called my colleague bawling my eyes out and told her what had happened and asked her to please tell my boss I had left.

It was absurd, unlike anything I had experienced before, there was nothing ‘physically’ wrong with me.

These panic attacks led to certain, ‘wisdom’ you might say, regarding my then relationship.

My eyes were opened, immediately to the truth of it and panic attacks settled in and made themselves part of my day. In fact, for a period I had become housebound, so heightened were my panic attacks.

What followed was one of the most difficult chapters of my life.

My partner and I split, and I entered a downward spiral.

Sometimes when I look back, I wonder if the timing had anything to do with my hit of Manjushri.

It was as though I was flooded with Wisdom I didn’t feel ready to deal with.

I will never know if the events were related, but as with everything in hindsight, I am grateful for the wisdom but feel a bit ripped off with how the wisdom materialised!