Ok, this is … strangely… nervewracking.
I haven’t blogged for so long and now I feel I am so literally backed up with things to say that I actually, have nothing to say.
So let me say this. (deep breath and hope what my fingers are about to pump out will be leaning more towards the things to say category)
Since leaving the OHT and working Part-Time and learning a new way of life that involves dropping Monte at Childcare 3 times a week and meeting deadlines at work and never having time, something curious has happened.
I have lost myself a bit.
I am running on reflex and now reacting to everything the external world throws at me.
“What’s that boss? Yes I’ll have that done at 3″
“We need fettucine and milk and dont forget the Wipes!”
“I need the car”
“What time will you be home?
Oh Kill Me Now.
Welcome to the Real World Sharni, take a lump of cement with that.
Getting back home exhausted, whipping up meals that are not aligned with the healthy food pyramid, undergoing ‘quick fixes’ to solve Monte tantrums instead of pouring love and intuition into the mix.
There is a big dose of guilt lingering around my new life, not just Mother-Guilt but a Self-Guilt.
Little did I know at the time (do we ever?) the last 2 years in the OHT, spent at home with my son and my blog, were my most real.
My missions were self-imposed , my lessons were from the heart. I noticed things, I learned from my son and teacher. I had time to care about things.
Now? I am dithering a little in what some might call the Real World. Responding to bills and deadlines, too busy to respond as I would like to, to needs, or wants.
On the ratmill again. Too busy.
I resent the notion that this is the “Real World”
I am on a mission to reclaim myself. Sounds selfish, but by reclaiming myself, I am going to reclaim my happiness. Happy De-facto, Happy Mama = Happy Life.
I am thinking returning to this blog, is going to play a huge part in working out what this new stage of life is presenting.
Sorry for the selfish word vomity nature of my first post in ages. I really needed it, to work out what I am feeling, to clarify it so I can move forward.
Welcome to the next chapter. I really do not know what it will involve. I’m hoping some home grown vegies, giving the finger to ‘convention’ and tradition and getting back to … and yes the word has a wanky element to it, but screw it, I’m on a mission to make a gallant return to being authentic.
Hello everybody, I have missed you like a limb.
disclaimer: *please note, contrary to how this blog post makes it seem,I am having a WONDERFUL time in our new town,and am really enjoying it, have met great people and had THE BEST experiences (more on these soon). Just, as so many of us need to do often, need to find the right balance.
Yeah that old chestnut.
pps- am home from work today, sick, gastro, I truly think my need to write has physically made me sick, so writing IS in fact, Doctors Orders.
6 Comments
uhhhhh, yeah…. jobs and city-living can do all of that to a girl.. i, for one, am sure glad to see you back. now b-r0e-a-t-h-e, and smile, and GO GET ‘EM, babe!! xoxo, buf
So very glad to have you back!
Be self indulgent… This is your space. Don’t apologise for wanting, or needing, to reclaim yourself. By doing so, you allow others to do the same.
I think in order to be selfless, you need to be selfish.
Welcome back Sharni! I bet today’s blog post was therapeutic for you. It’s refreshing to hear that at least you know what is authentic. It’s now just a matter of working out how to get that feeling back by re-inventing yourself and your life in a way that reflects that authenticity. I know for me, it took some time to get to a place where I had the time and privelege to really dwell in and savour the small stuff…my girl’s laughter…warming my face to the sun…marvelling at the glistening drops of dew on a spider’s web, and the list goes on. Even when I had this early on, I would feel a little guilty, hearing of other mothers’ plights and about their ‘busyness and stress’ when I knew it could be different. But now I have no guilt. I worked hard to get to that special place, and I don’t intend ever letting that go. It takes work and experimenting, but that authenticity will return…life will once again reveal its’ special treasures and harmony will be restored. XX :)
Hey Kerry, thanks so much for this lovely comment. It is this like mindedness and inspiration I have found through blogging that I have missed. I love that you have found your place, hoPe I can return to mine xx
Your post really resonated with me. So, so much. I am so lost and can feel myself sinking. I too am home sick today, and have just returned from dropping my little Miss at childcare. Today is all about me, and this head cold is not even getting in the way. I have been “planning” my blog for so long, and the veggie & herb garden, and the furniture painting projects. So many projects sit incomplete, or totally within my mind as only a thought. These projects will all count toward Mummy G being a happier and healthier me, I need my me time back. Thank you for the gentle prod, fits just what I needed to get this too big butt into gear! xo
Hey Louisa, that is the great part about this blogging gig, you realise you aren’t alone!!! Utilise your day to yourself, even if that means not doing any projects. Appreciate your comment x