Disclaimer: I am not drunk I couldn't find a good pic, this will do
Crashing down onto the grass.
The tears rolled.
I had reached ‘that point’, ‘that point’ I thought I knew clearly how to avoid.
Hadn’t I earlier mastered the looking after myself, daily exercise is key thing, hadn’t I learnt what needed to be done to avoid reaching ‘that point’.
But still, I called him – crying.
“I’m a bad Mum. I don’t know how to be a good Mum. I have never cooked a casserole, I don’t know how to get him to sleep, he has pulled out all the dvds and there is a mess everywhere, he has watched heaps of TV today because I JUST CAN’T DEAL, when I go to work I am guilt riddled, but when I am with him… Â I am losing my patience.”
I went on and on.
“You stop being so hard on yourself” you said “You show me ONE perfect Mother, one who doesn’t take shortcuts” you said.
I knew you were right, but I was worse.
I didn’t slowcook meals and I didn’t know how to say No in that gentle, beautiful manner that would teach him to respect what I say,but still feel an abundance of connection and trust.
I used to have this nailed. I swear.
What happened? Where did Patient Earth Mama go?
I tried constantly to avoid disciplining through guilt, bribery or shaming. Oh the fear of stuffing him up for life by making the wrong decision now. It is all overwhelming.
As for all of those people who have more than one child, well to me they are the true heroes of the world.
Born in-built with casserole making knowledge and wells of patience, with a couple of spares, like camels.
I salute you. And pray that something soon will rub off.
I have hit ‘that point’. Again.
And just like I’ve done before need to do what I need to do to get myself out of this shitty place.
10 Comments
Oh Sharni, how I wish I could give you a hug and something alcoholic!
We have ALL been there. You are not alone. I have no miracle advice but just know you are not alone and the beauty of reaching that point is it all upwards from there.
Love to you girlfriend x
Ahhh thanks so much Holly. If it wasn’t for this outlet of blogging, where would we be eh? It’s good to get it out and connect with others — you’d never know you weren’t alone otherwise. appreciate the love, right back at ya x
Blech… I know that point. I have visited many times. No one has a well that never runs dry… NO MOTHER ON EARTH. I hope the overwhelming passes soon.
Thanks lovely. And I bow to you going in for number two :-)
Almost 11 years and 3 children worth of parenting and I still have very regular moments where I cross the boundary and become that mother I vowed I never would be. One step at a time, one day at a time. Use whatever resources you can, even if it’s TV (and actually a slow cooker is a resource too coz you can have dinner prepared while monte is still watching Bookaboo and makes you feel like an uberorganised first class mum), load up on natural highs from exercise whenever you can, and be thankful you have a wise voice on the other end of the phone. Most importantly don’t beat yourself up. Just move on from that moment and it will get better. big hugs
Thanks Lisa. I appreciate your comment!! Must get myself a bloody slowcooker !! xx
Oh Sharni!
I’ve been there! There aren’t enough hours in the day and all the stuff you think you’ll prepare tonight go out the window because you are so so tired…. any Mama who says she hasn’t been there is doing something sinister, like making her kids sleep in their school uniforms or secretly keeping an old Italian lady in her basement to do all the laundry and cooking. Suffice it to say, uber-efficient people are actually robots and are no craic.
On Mother’s day, my daughter’s teacher organised a website “wall” where each kid would write their own little statement beginning with “My mum is….”.
Layla wrote, “My Mum is a confused type mum”.
We are ALL confused type mums, and our kids will love and forgive us anyway. It’s 5.30pm, I have a huge burden of documents to complete before tomorrow afternoon, the kitchen is filthy, the kids are in the yard, still in their uniforms, no homework done, there is no dinner made, I am behind in my invoicing, there are Uno Stacko blocks all over the lounge room floor, the laundry baskets are all full, Grandma is arriving tomorrow and her bed frame is still in its box in the garage, whilst her room is full of boxes that need to be moved TO the garage. Daniel is swearing and blinding because his assignment is due in tonight at midnight and he doesn’t have the right software to complete it, and the baby is coming down with a cold AGAIN which means I will have to keep him home, miss work and lose more money.
The point! I live at the point!
hahaha thanks Rhona for my reality / perspective, ‘what other people are doing’ check!! Honestly, I think that is the beauty of this blogging business is knowing we are all in the same boat fighting our own battles. “My Mum is a confused type Mum” is priceless, :-) gorgeous and priceless xx God, what is Monte going to say about me. I better start getting my shit together before he can write haha
Firstly, a casserole does not make a mother. A mother is someone who tries her best and loves her child. There’s no such thing as a perfect mother. A good mother is one that always strives to do better. Even the best mother will fall short, mothers are human after all.
I do all sorts of things that I’m not proud of, but being a mum can be tough, boring, relentless, hard. You do what you do to get by. As you long as he knows you love him, he won’t be stuffed up for life.
You know what? My mother NEVER yelled at me and in some ways I think she did me a disservice (see no mum is perfect) as I don’t cope with angry people at all. I think a little yelling may have toughened me up for life a bit.
When you see that perfect earth mother who think is doing a better job than you, remember there will be times behind closed doors when she’s sobbed, yelled, put the TV on all day, thought everyone else was doing better than her. We’ve all been there.
Take care. You’re doing a good job. xxx
Sharni-I don’t have children, but I know for a fact that YOU ARE AWESOME! I’m tempted to send you this little emergency self affirmation button my friend recently bought. You push the button and a little person pop’s out and says YOU ARE AWESOME! My friend is constantly pushing the button ^_^! It’s not what you do Sharni, it’s who you are. And I know, even though we’ve never met, that you are a great mom, you are funny, you love Monte and your family dearly and you’ll get through this tough patch. You don’t need to make a casserole…..how “bleeping” boring ^-^! You’ve got other fish to fry!