A Difficult Morning

I’ve made no bones about it lately, I have been suffering pregnancy-related anxiety and maybe a dash of beloved depression.

I have not been at work the last week and have been using the time talking to a therapist as well as doing lots of meditation and relaxation work.

So this morning, I awake, anxious in that I have taken the Doctors orders and not gone to work again- plagued with an irrational guilt feeling damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I get Monte ready for daycare and can’t find his damn shoes, so take him into Big W to get him a new pair. Dressed in my black slinky nightie with a long cardi over the top and leggings and that come hither just out of bed look – my morning was off to a fresh start.

I bought him a pair of tacky sandals, choices were limited – then made our way to his ‘school.’

“We might go a different way today eh?” I say to Monte trying to fake some joyfulness. I turn down a different road to usual, which is just a windy suburban back-street, littered with cars.

There was a car turning right that was holding me up, so I went around it, that is allowed, right?

Then there was an almighty THUD.

I had run over something massive.

“What in the hell?” I said — and looked to see I had hit a cat.

OH MY GOD I HAD HIT A CAT.

It looked like a beautiful persian type of cat.

SHALLOW BREATH IN AND ENTER IMMEDIATE SHOCK SYMPTOMS.

Already anxious, I was sent into complete hysteria. As I kept driving on, then stopped a bit up the way.

I was crying hysterically, hyperventilating –

“Mummy what’s wrong? What’s wrong Mummy? ” Monte asked

” I think I just hit a cat” I said through blubbers

“No Mum it was just a big rock, there is no need to cry”

“No, I think it was a cat”

“It was just a big rock.”

I stopped the car and told Monte we had better go and check on the cat.

I went to his side and picked him up. I couldn’t breathe properly and the tears streamed continuously.

I realised I had parked at least a block away from where it had happened.

There was high traffic and heaps of cars coming back.

I felt so weak and shattered and I couldn’t, I couldn’t go back up there.

What would I do with the poor cat? Take it’s bloodied body with me and Monte in the car? I wouldn’t be able to pick it up, I wouldn’t be able to cope with it – it was all too much, oh my God it was all too much, I am so so sorry. 

I don’t have a phone – I can’t call anyone, I can’t do anything — oh my lord I am useless.

I was hysterical. Absolutely hysterical. I couldn’t cope with what I had just done.

I decided I would take Monte to school, then go back.

His school was just up the way. As I dropped him there – Monte burst into tears, as he always does, and this time so did I.

The teacher at school fetching me tissues as I tell her I think I hit a cat.

“Oh and it’s worse when you are hormonal” she says, to which I think I might punch her.

Killing a cat would be absolutely devastating for me if I was born without estrogen , don’t you patronise me.

Monte screams for me to stay, I tell him I can’t and that I’ll pick him up early today.

I return to the car and continue to lose my marbles.

I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to talk to Cowboy, he’d tell me what to do.

I drove home.

I drove home thinking about that poor cat. The poor, devastated family of that cat who will soon be discovering what I had done.

I drove home and rang Cowboy, in a blubbering mess. He said – the cat might have already been hit and you just ran over it.

This is a possibility. I did not see it walk out, I just heard it when I was on it.

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

I just can’t stop thinking about the poor dear and am sending out love and regret and a plea for compassion for not fronting up and taking responsibility.

Please know that I absolutely adore cats, love them, understand them — and that I was not a heartless hit and run driver — I am pained for what I accidentally did – and this is going to linger with me for a long time.

I am so sorry.

Please forgive me.